Email from My Angry Colon

I haven't fasted or cleansed in so long that my colon sent me an angry email. All CAPS. Starting with, "YOU HEFFA! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

Right now, my life represents one of the most wonderful and frightening transitions. After 14 years in my profession (the last 12 with the same company), I got flushed down the toilet of "downsizing."

I almost didn't blink at the turn of events. My sixth sense had already detected the scent of trouble. In case you didn't know, corporate financial trouble kinda smells like burnt bologna and fried nerves. But I digress...

I immediately saw this as an opportunity to (1) take a much needed forced vacation and (2) to pursue deferred dreams that I previously filed under "Yeah. Right." More importantly, I'm blessed with the opportunity to cleanse in other ways by focusing on stress, proper diet, and luxuriating in the cure for my former Monday blah's.

My next fast/cleanse likely won't be a Master Cleanse. After a long absence and a tongue-lashing from an angry colon, my bravery meter looks a lot like it did before my first cleanse experience. But I do intend to complete one of two drastic departures from bacon cheeseburgers: (1) A 3-day water fast or (2) A 7-day fruit and veggie fast.

I'll chronicle that experience here, along with my efforts to grow a pair for my next Master Cleanse. Until then, I have an angry email to answer...

Shame Shame Shame

From what I gather on the internet, this picture represents a day of shameful stair-scapades for Miss. Thailand. Po' chile. You know she felt like seeping into the floor once the folks on the right finally peeled her off the floor.

Notice how the folks on the left are still in shock and haven't stopped clapping their hands yet? But I digress.

As the current poster child for unhealthy living, that's ME falling down those darned stairs. (Only I wouldn't do it in a short skirt and slingback shoes, but I digress again.)

Just like doctors who smoke and firemen who start fires, I have more-than-average knowledge about health/nutrition and I'm not acting on that knowledge in a positive way.

Ain't that a cryin' shame?

I know one thing. I hope you keep reading this blog. Because if I can get my ish together and get healthy A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y can. Seriously. And all my dirty little laundry along the way will be hanging on a line right here for you to gawk at.

Ahhh.... The day I should be basking in the sunlight of my own cleanse...

But I'm sitting under a thunder cloud of poor preparation. In the craze of getting the kids ready to return to school, I never made it to the store for my ingredients. So while I was sitting on a mountain like the wise King Solomon... waving my hand to the newbies below and telling them that the best advice is to PREPARE... I was running around like a blind mouse failing at my own preparations.

This weekend, here I come.

Now lemme go read my own advice again since I fell off the side of my wisdom mountain like Humpty Dumpty.

Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth: Know Your Food Allergies and Sensitivities

Don't ask me when. Don't ask me why. But in a blog post a loooooong time ago, I challenged my readers to use post-cleanse life to get a grip on food sensitivities and food allergies. Since then, a male coworker happily told me that he tried the experiment and discovered a food allergy.

Here's how it works:

Food sensitivities and full-blown food allergies are tied to medical conditions ranging from irritating rashes to asthma.

And there's a way to start identifying such nuisances on your own - by stripping down to a basic diet and adding one type of food at a time.

And what better time than after a Master Cleanse?

It is very difficult to identify offending foods during the normal daily routine. Imagine the foods you ate in the past week. If just a single food was causing an unpleasant health problem, how in the world would you be able to isolate it?

That's where the Master Cleanse, aka The Gift Horse, comes in...

As you (may already) know, the day after the Master Cleanse begins with orange juice. Then comes vegetable soup. After that, folks' eating habits range from vegetarian to bacon-cheeseburger-tarian. The gloves are off and anything goes. Why not use the valuable time after a cleanse to slowly re-introduce old foods and see if a particular food choice triggers a sensitivity or full-blown allergy?

Folks with ailments such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), asthma, skin conditions and even Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) may find relief from symptoms by eliminating troublesome foods.

And don't you deserve it?

So don't look a gift horse in the mouth. The digestive tract is sparkling clean after a 10-day cleanse. Use that precious time to explore food options and possibly arrest some culprits.