Day 2: I Wonder What Would Happen If I Quit Now?

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

I can't believe I already asked myself that question. Along with one of my fellow moderators at the Yahoo group, my heart is barely in this cleanse. My mind is squarely there, because I know how much I need to cleanse right now. But my heart keeps betraying what I know.

I actually had blood in my elimination earlier this morning, but it hasn't appeared again since that time. And now, I'm feeling general "ick" and I want to go to bed. I feel like I just ate a plate of raw pizza dough - and it's just sitting in the bottom of my stomach. (Did somebody say Pizza??)

But in some strange dusty back corner of my mind, I'm pleased that I'm having a hard time. That means I'm right where I need to be - cleansing myself. Think about it... cleansing brings things from the inside-out. So if I'm already feeling ick on Day 2, then I had some ick that needed to go.

Attitude Adjustment.

Those are my words for the day. As I read back over this post, it's like reading some dark tragedy. You would think a black cloud was floating over my head, and the cloud suddenly burst into rain. Hmmm. Dark. Snarky. Aaaaaaaaand melodramatic. I'll have to add these things to the list of cleanse symptoms. Here's hoping I have a sunny, witty post for you tomorrow.

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Master Cleanse

Battleground

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Some of you know that my current battle with a healthy lifestyle comes after the destructive work of eating my way through a divorce. Even as I head for a major comeback after peeling the emotional layers, I have an eye turned to the physical layers. Like a metaphor for the necessary "hibernation" time for recovery, I'm ready to come out of the cave AND the extra layer on my body. This fight is harder than any other, because my rewards for "bad behavior" are so immediate. Here's what I mean:

• Yes, chocolate can cure a long night.

• Yes, the cheesy goodness of a pizza can be a great companion for a long night of bad memories.

• And yes, crunchy snacks are a fun friend for dateless movie rental weekends.

After the emotional recovery, I immediately wanted to kill those habits. Instead of bringing perceived relief, comfort foods feel like the artifact of an old reflex instead of something I really need. And thankfully, habits can be broken. Now that I'm sweeping out the cobwebs and feeling like a new woman on the inside, I'm ready for that "new" feeling to show. It's amazing what junk food does to the skin, the hair - and not so surprising what it does to general health and vibrancy. The cleanse on August 1st feels like the final battleground in this war.

Although I keep taking stabs at the Beast of Bad Habits, August 1st is my declared time for "it slays me or I slay it." I don't expect an all-at-once victory. We're talking about a big beast. But I do expect to leave that beast dying on the ground - unable to deal anymore devastating blows. I'll hang it's head as a trophy once the work is done.

No weapon formed against you shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17a)

Watch Where You Swing that Daggone Bat!

Tuesday, March 7, 2006
A young man is given at baseball bat as a birthday gift. On one path, he uses that bat to learn the game and become a wealthy sports figure. On another path, he uses that bat to commit a horrible crime.

Was the bat good or bad?

Just like any other tool, like hammers, love, or even sex, the bat didn't have an absolue "good" or "bad" value. The intent and motivation of the user sealed the determination.

If you know me at all, I have a sly way to connect this post to cleansing. Here goes:

As a moderator at the Yahoo group for cleansers, I am alarmed by the number of people who are bordering on abusing the cleansing tool.

In one corner, you have the folks who are prepared for the long term committment to health and recognize the cleanse as a great starter. These Gold Star Cleansers have a mature plan, read the book carefully, stick to the rules, and don't attempt strange home-remedies.

In the other corner, you have the folks who just want to lose weight. Fast. Too fast. These Red Flag Cleansers usually have lofty weight loss goals, don't want to read the book, couldn't care less about toxins, and put themselves at risk with miscellaneous cleanse antics. And most of all, they really scare me.

The language of a Red Flag Cleanser usually screams,

"I'm ready to replace my eating dysfunction with dangerous cleansing dysfunction. I don't want to read a book. I want somebody to give me the lemonade recipe and leave me alone. I'll do this fast until I can't take it anymore, and I'll come off by eating a double cheesburger, risking my health in the process. I'll weigh myself everyday and I demand to see the pounds drop to the floor. If I can't achieve that by Day 3, I'll declare that this cleanse doesn't work, and ignore the other improvements in my health."

I have a serious, personal desire to see people's health turn 180 degrees. I fight the battle everyday. As I win, which I will, I want to take a crap-load of people with me. Until then, I ask you to examine which team you're on (Gold Star or Red Flag). If you're on the Red Flag team (and I've been there before), admit it first and jump to the Gold Star side.

I've been on both sides of the health war, and the grass really is greener... okay.... more golden... over here.

Love ya all. Let's win together.
With a heart of love,
Hawa

Fascination

Thursday, March 2, 2006
As my thighs become reacquainted with each other and make that reunion swishing sound, I have a renewed fascination with our relationship to food. Over at the Yahoo group, we have a lively conversation going about using food to escape - and other links between food and emotions. Once you go on a cleanse with no food for 10 or more days, you learn just how often you think about food. A thin and healthy coworker even found himself surprised over impulse food habits that he'd developed over the years. One member of the board posted a most interesting theory:

Its funny how weight gain actually manifests itself into an emotional disorder. A period of short term stress with long hours and little sleep can cause a person to adopt unhealthy eating habits in order to cope with the stress. As the unhealthy eating causes a person to gain weight, they begin to feel sluggish and lazy and begin to reduce any physical activities previously enjoyed.

This in turn leads to more weight gain. When the gain has reached a point where it is readibly noticeable by the person and their peers, then self esteem issues begin to surface generating stress leading to more unhealthy eating habits. Also, most unhealthy eating habits involve large amounts of bad carbs which I personally know to be addictive.

Looking back over the past several years, I can't remember a lonely, stressful, angry, or sad moment that I didn't stuff with a comfort food. Sadly enough, commercials are openly promoting the strategy of stuffing an emotional issue with crappy food.

So I'm actively searching for a replacement. I'm firing comfort food on the spot, and hanging the "help wanted" sign. Who or what should apply for the job? Use the comments feature to share your answers, and I'll post my responses to your suggestions.

I have a few ideas of my own, and I am on a serious personal mission to win a battle that many people lose. Besides missing the mark God established for the body-as-temple, I realize that I don't look or feel like the "me" I know and love. I have plans for a long and prosperous life. Now only if I could get my thighs to cooperate...

Cleanse 2, Day 9: Flushing Cowburgers

Monday January 9, 2005

Wow. Thank God for small favors. I was off from work today with my son, who was fighting some sorta bug.

I've been eliminating today like I ate an entire cow the night before the cleanse. Make that a bacon-cheddar cow, with bun and all. Unlike the first cleanse, where I had many days of regular, but light elimination - I've been sloughing off stuff from Day 1 this time.

I had a few crappy moments today. I suspect that whatever emotion I've been medicating with food... it's coming to meet me head-to-head. I've been snarky with the kids, and I hit a period of emotional hunger. I can't help but wonder if it's because tomorrow is "supposed" to be the last day of a cleanse... and Day 11 becomes unfamiliar territory for me.

Funny how I can feel so crappy and look so great. The skin is still glowing! lol

Quick Stats:
Lemonade: 6 glasses
Water: 40 ounces
AM: Senna Tea, PM: Nothing (fell asleep!)
Weight Loss: About the same
Healing Crisis: Dark spots on the whites of my eyes today, that lightened/went away by evening.

Flashback:
Wanna see where I was on Day 9 of my first cleanse?
Day 9, Part I: The MasterCard(R) Commercial
Day 9, Part II: The Beat Goes On

Cleanse Day 8: Stuck on Snarky

October 16, 2005

Oh Lord. My attitude is still stuck on snarky. It's much more fun to be annoyed by a known pest. I managed to limit the two-headed monster with the kids - even got in a few of our fun games with them.

I have more energy than ever, and my clothes are starting to reveal the weight loss.

Now if I could just find the switch on the snark-o-meter. It's like a 2-day bout with PMS without the actual PM. Ha. That just leaves "syndrome."

Pastor found a single mistake on the programs for the evening service, and I thought I was gonna shred the draft and go join a cult somewhere. LOL

Not much new to report about cleansing. But I will declare to those considering: Do not quit - no matter what.

I'll be posting two parts for Day 9, starting tomorrow morning.

Cleanse Day 7, Part II: The Tolerance of a Flea

October 15, 2005

For some reason, my annoyance meter is stuck on hair-raising. I have zero patience with the kids.

The apology I owe the kids was an easy thing. They must be wondering where there mother went! But the hard part is answering the question... "What am I so annoyed about?"

I have a few theories. I've read that when you cleanse, you also cleanse your emotional (attitude) centers. Sounded a little loopy to me until today. Foods are also connected to attitude, emotions and behaviors. Am I cleansing that part of my body???

I also wonder if I'm getting nervous about the approach of Day 10. I don't think I'm ready to ween from my lemonade!

Anyway, I sure wouldn't want to live with me today, but I have no choice.

On a positive note, I'm still feeling great (physically).

Yesterday, the boys wanted Pizza Hut. Not on my watch! I don't want to leave them a legacy that requires cleansing to "fix" their health. The 6-year old settled for Vegan Lasagna, and the 13-year old settled for gluten-free pizza, with a rice crust, made with organic ingredients. Aaaaaah. That's better. A meal a mother can feel good about!

More tomorrow.

Cleanse Day 5, Part II: Furry Teeth that Want to Chew

October 13, 2005

That furry growth on the teeth is proving a weird little pest. The furry growth is cured by brushing, but accumulates lightly after the morning brush, and before I can get home from work. Looks like I have to become one of those geeks that brushes at work. hehehe

I still don't feel a lick of hunger. The body gave in and gave up food the first day. Didn't have the nerve to pester me with hunger pangs. But I'm on an emotional withdrawal today.

I mentioned last night how I had a strange "blue" feeling come and go. Today, Mr. Blue has been creeping again, and I realize what it is. Although the body gave up a long time ago, the mind seems to just be catching up.

"What, you're really not going to EAT? These teeth with the fuzzy growth really won't CHEW?"

By many accounts, cleansers reach a point where it's not about the toxins or absent food. It's about a new clarity in other areas. I'm at the halfway point. Things I notice:

I have so much more structure to my day. Since daily preparation is crucial during a cleanse, my whole schedule is improved. I get up earlier. I'm even better about timely meals for the kids because I have to spend time preparing lemonade anyway. While I was waiting for my SWF to kick in today, I actually sat with the 6-year old and read him a book while he ate his breakfast cereal!

The usual routine is: rush out the door at the last minute, grab some quick (and icky) breakfast, eat in the car and rush to school. Now, he's eating an organic cereal before school and not rushing at all.

Life is good. More later. *grinning ear to ear*

Cleanse Day 3, Part II: Over Tall Buildings in a Single Bound

Oh my Lord. I don't know what to say about feeling better OFF of solid food than I ever felt while EATING food.

I danced as I prepared a nice-sized dinner for my sons... and even invited mom over to have my plate. I treated them all to a bbq chicken dinner, with cornbread and asparagus. I even served on glass plates. As a single mom, my standard for at least a year+ has been paper and plastic.

By the time my mother got to the the house, she had a tentative look. I guess she figured I'd be drawn in the face and clawing at the walls for a chicken leg. I literally felt like I could run around my neighborhood.

I washed down my entire body with Dr. Bronners Castile Soap (Tea Tree variety). I noticed a "bruised" looking area on my left had that stung when submerged in water. That's my first skin blemish. I'm actually encouraged. That means I'm starting to eliminated through my skin. Yipee

The nite ended with Senna tea at 8:30pm... hoping to not have some "action" at 4am. Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I'd like to still be asleep at 4am.

As it turns out, I was up at 2:30am, 3am and 3:20am. Not bad.

I'm still feeling like the million-dollar-woman. Yes, a little bionic.

The hardest part of the day...:
...Not licking my finger when it was all stuck with bbq sauce and cornbread crumbs after serving the kids. Believe it or not, the thought only lingered for the few seconds before rinsing my hands. Piece of cake!

Another spell of tears...
...You know? Since the time I made the decision to accept Christ and live for the Lord, this cleanse is the biggest leap of faith I've made. As I watched Joyce Meyer talk this AM about "putting God first," I found myself "full" and thankful for the cleanse. There's nothing better in life than meeting a challenge that seemed impossible... especially when you chose the journey between you and the Lord.

I'm going to go ahead and admit this "out loud"... I'd really like to be one of the folks who stays on the cleanse for 40 days. I'm loving the freedom from food. Most folks know the Biblical story of how Jesus fasted in the wilderness for 40 days...

As many report, my vision is better. Strange to me, since I always test at 20/20. I don't get tired walking places, and I'm not as annoyed by the little glitches in daily life.

More tomorrow as the dancing continues. Rock on, sistah.

Cleanse Day 1: I've Got Issues

October 9, 2005

Day 1 was quite a day. I hit some "spots" that others report later in the cleanse. I'll share:

I had several headaches. BUT, as promised, each went away with a trip to the porcelain throne. You should have seen me, on a Sunday morning, running from my usher post at church every few moments.

I developed a pain in my left hip, my left side, a wrist, and my neck. I hear this is evidence, that the cleanse is working out some stuff.

I skipped the Salt Water Flush in the AM since I had a 9am meeting and didn't know how my body would react. I went with the Senna herbal tea.

I went bowling during the evening, and there was my hussie friend at the concession stand. Unfortunately, I had to take my 13-year old son to meet her. It was quite an experience, for the first time, pretending she wasn't there. It was harder than I hoped, but easier than I expected. Good Lord, had food been a part of EVERY good, bad, and ugly event in my life?? Dang, I've got issues.

The worst part was the evening. Usually, it would be snack night. Holiday. No work. Stay up late with the kids. Ouch.

So I went to my room late in the evening, and found myself crying. Oh Lord. I'm not hungry (as the cleansing guidelines promised), so what's the problem???

In those few moments alone, every way that I'd mistreated myself with crappy food flashed by. It was like some sorta moment-of-clarity, where God answered my prayers to reveal anything that's holding me back. He's true to His word, and had a conversation with me right there.

When I finally dried-out and stopped looking like a drama queen, I drank my Senna tea and went to bed.