Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Days 4 and 5: Bathroom Antics

Friday, August 4th - Saturday, August 5th

Cleansers never know when their body will drag itself to the bathroom for a Porcelain Throne episode of energetic elimination. If you're thinking about the master cleanse, you have to accept the major unknown of bathroom frequency and urgency. I have a job that can accomodate this unknown. Some of you don't, like toll booth workers and traffic cops. While you're on another unexpected trip to the bathroom, cars are speeding through tolls and cars are piling on top of each other. You may want to consider a veggie cleanse...

On Saturday, I had an unwanted meeting with a public restroom. Just when I thought it was safe to make a grocery run with the boys, the Senna tea flipped the script. I flew from the front door to the back aisle in record time. Thank God the bathroom was clean, because the don't-touch-the-seat-squat doesn't work while cleansing. As I sat there, surveying the bathroom, wondering if there was enough toilet paper to get me through, I could hear the boys standing outside the door. By now, they probably appeared to be abandoned by some lunatic mom who lost it in the produce aisle and fled to Mexico. By the time my visit was over, I was glad nobody was waiting to use the bathroom. I fled the scene by scampering to the deli.

In spite of my toxic entry into the cleanse (i.e. drinking coffee almost everyday), I am not experiencing the terrible headaches that can bring down even the strongest cleanser. Eliminations are going well and I'm enjoying a good night's sleep.

I did get a little snarky with the boys - which is another common cleanse symptom that can't be escaped. I am still having a surprisingly difficult time around solid food. It's difficult to imagine I can still be thinking of food while feeling this great without it.

In spite of Stanley Burrough's recommendation to drink at least 6 glasses of lemonade per day, I'm drinking approximately 4. I'm simply not hungry after 4, and I'd have to force the last 2.

Stanley Burroughs lived decades ago, and he's no longer with us. But if you want to learn more about the cleanse, Peter Glickman runs a site with excellent information. Peter is a long-time cleanser and shares information about cleanse symptoms, common mistakes, and other useful tips.

Rock on.

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Cleansing Butts Prefer Butt Paste

So I realize that I'm behind on my blog posts, but I just HAD to cover this butt material first.

Many of you know about the potential for hemmorhoids, and my personal battle with them while cleansing. I went the Preparation H route, but members of the Yahoo group came with some knockout information...

The irritations of cleansing are better served by Bourdreaux's Butt Paste - basically a diaper rash treatment also used by "irritated" adults. Go figure. One member of the board has used both treatments (Prep H and Butt Paste), and couldn't believe the superior performance of Butt Paste.

Now with a name like Butt Paste, you have to be good. No need having such a stand-out name and delivering booty results. (Yes. The pun was intended. My humor writer is on vacation, so just move on).

Brought to you by the committee to assist cleansers everywhere, no matter how sensitive the subject matter.

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Thursday, August 03, 2006

Day 3: Premature Food Dreams

Thursday, August 3, 2006

I had the rare pleasure of reading a cleanse blog that was maintained by a man. The blog was well written, and judging from the comments, he had a group of friends watching him closely and waiting for him to quit.

According to the male author of the blog, while researching the cleanse, he came across the "interesting and corny" idea of food dreams. On day 6 of his cleanse, he finally had a food dream and discovered the truth behind how real - and stressful - they can be.

Well here I am on Day 3 of the cleanse, and I started the day with a food dream. It was amazing. The colors were vivid, the situation was realistic (a cookout/picnic), and I could also taste and feel the food. This particular food dream was quite advanced, because I actually became upset about breaking the cleanse in the dream. Usually, a food dream results in fear after waking that the cleanse was broken. I didn't even wake before that fear hit.

I actually prepared a salt water flush (SWF) this morning - making 16 ounces instead of 32 ounces. I have never gotten down and entire SWF, so I decided not to waste good Celtic salt. I almost finished the entire 16 ounces, and that darned flush worked for at least 2 hours. Needless to say, I had the day off from work.

The day was quite enjoyable, and cleanse symptoms were almost none. I had a slight hint of a headache, and the twitching under the right eye continued. Other than that, I'm having an eerily smooth time on this cleanse.

I only had 5 glasses of lemonade today and lots of water. I forced the last glass down, because I don't want to miss the suggested 6-glass minimum by much.

My sleep has been fabulous, and I'll write more about that tomorrow.

Rock on.

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Day 2: I Wonder What Would Happen If I Quit Now?

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

I can't believe I already asked myself that question. Along with one of my fellow moderators at the Yahoo group, my heart is barely in this cleanse. My mind is squarely there, because I know how much I need to cleanse right now. But my heart keeps betraying what I know.

I actually had blood in my elimination earlier this morning, but it hasn't appeared again since that time. And now, I'm feeling general "ick" and I want to go to bed. I feel like I just ate a plate of raw pizza dough - and it's just sitting in the bottom of my stomach. (Did somebody say Pizza??)

But in some strange dusty back corner of my mind, I'm pleased that I'm having a hard time. That means I'm right where I need to be - cleansing myself. Think about it... cleansing brings things from the inside-out. So if I'm already feeling ick on Day 2, then I had some ick that needed to go.

Attitude Adjustment.

Those are my words for the day. As I read back over this post, it's like reading some dark tragedy. You would think a black cloud was floating over my head, and the cloud suddenly burst into rain. Hmmm. Dark. Snarky. Aaaaaaaaand melodramatic. I'll have to add these things to the list of cleanse symptoms.
Here's hoping I have a sunny, witty post for you tomorrow.

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Day 1: All's Well that Ends Well

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Yesterday was Day 1, and all ended well. I was slightly amused about the twitch that developed under my right eye - especially since I didn't feel an ounce of stress.

Until now, I actually enjoyed cooking for the family and watching cooking shows while cleansing. In a surprise turn of events, yesterday I disliked the act of preparing the boys' dinner and was annoyed by TV commercials featuring food. I don't now what gives, but I hope the condition is temporary.

Cleanse Stats for Day 1:

Lemonade: ~64 ounces

Pure Water: ~34 ounces
AM: No Senna or SWF, PM: Senna Tea
Trips to the Bathroom: Lost count hehe
Number of Food Thoughts: What food thoughts? Are you talking about that bacon cheeseburger that was dancing in my head?
Number of Days Left: 9

Free Advice for Newbies:

When you're cleansing, there is no such thing as gas. Flatulence isn't your friend. If you feel the need to toot, realize that it's a conspiracy. Don't find a quiet corner and give in to the feeling. Go to the bathroom. You'll be surprised that the feeling wasn't air at all.

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Day 1: A Test of My Will

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Last night was the most interesting cleanse prep I've ever experienced. It was like a conspiracy to derail my decision to start today.

I had a refrigerated item in my car that needed to get home fairly quickly. I decided to purchase my lemons from a convenience store to save time.

Not a SINGLE location had lemons. My son went in and out of each place, and not a lemon in sight. Yes, we found other produce. But who bought all the dang lemons?

Already sensitive about starting the cleanse, I got angry and frustrated - which is unusual for me. My son saw my reaction and suggested that I postpone the cleanse. I explained that it wasn't an option, and he wanted to know why.

"Because I promised several members of the group that I would start tomorrow, and I don't intend to let them down. [Pause] Even more importantly, I promised myself and I really need to do this."

I was forced to make a huge gas-guzzling loop back to the supermarket.

Once this loop was over, the time was approaching 7pm. I hadn't seen home for almost 12 hours. I grabbed fast food for dinner near my home. With relief, I hit the gas and imagined how it would feel to walk through the door and kick off my shoes. Home was only down the street. Then I realized that I left my pocketbook IN THE SELF-SERVE CHECKOUT LINE IN THE SUPERMARKET.

Half of my life was in that pocketbook. Numbers. Bank account information. Computer files on a USB key. I had a flash of what a criminal mind might be able to achieve with the contents of my bag.

I grabbed my cell phone and called the store. Miracle #1: My cell phone wasn't in the pocketbook. Miracle #2: The pocketbook was exactly where I left it. The woman on the other end of the line was astonished - and I was relieved.

As I made the turn away from home for gas-guzzling loop #2, I was more than angry. I could spit fire. My jaw was clenched shut. If hell's fire went out at that moment, I'm pretty sure Satan would have called for a quick light. What else could go wrong?

By the time I neared the supermarket, my simmer was down. I had a conversation with myself all the way there, reminding myself of the hidden blessings - which can be found in ANY situation.

"Thank God I learned about the cleanse, and have enough money to buy the ingredients. Thank God for tests that try our patience and build character. And thank God my pocketbook is exactly where I left it."

The moment I stepped from the car to retrieve my bag, the entire day changed. As I entered the door, and older woman gasped and exclaimed, "You look beautiful!" I was floored. It was unexpected, and my attention was in a totally different place. I thanked her with a huge smile that literally melted onto my face. She broke the ice. My ice.

As I walked by her, a neighbor was standing there asking about my son and thanking me for inviting her children to his party. As I approached the desk, the woman complimented my bag and wanted to know where I got it. And on the way out of the store, another woman complimented, "Your dress is very pretty."

A string of negative events ran right into a string of unexpected kind words from strangers.

I didn't bother preparing the lemonade mix last night. The night ended late for me. I couldn't help but wonder what the next day would hold.

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