Email from My Angry Colon

I haven't fasted or cleansed in so long that my colon sent me an angry email. All CAPS. Starting with, "YOU HEFFA! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

Right now, my life represents one of the most wonderful and frightening transitions. After 14 years in my profession (the last 12 with the same company), I got flushed down the toilet of "downsizing."

I almost didn't blink at the turn of events. My sixth sense had already detected the scent of trouble. In case you didn't know, corporate financial trouble kinda smells like burnt bologna and fried nerves. But I digress...

I immediately saw this as an opportunity to (1) take a much needed forced vacation and (2) to pursue deferred dreams that I previously filed under "Yeah. Right." More importantly, I'm blessed with the opportunity to cleanse in other ways by focusing on stress, proper diet, and luxuriating in the cure for my former Monday blah's.

My next fast/cleanse likely won't be a Master Cleanse. After a long absence and a tongue-lashing from an angry colon, my bravery meter looks a lot like it did before my first cleanse experience. But I do intend to complete one of two drastic departures from bacon cheeseburgers: (1) A 3-day water fast or (2) A 7-day fruit and veggie fast.

I'll chronicle that experience here, along with my efforts to grow a pair for my next Master Cleanse. Until then, I have an angry email to answer...

Advice To Tashia the Newbie from Hawaii

I dedicate this post to Tashia and all the other Master Cleanse newbies who haven't taken the plunge.


What advice can I give to first timers? Here goes my attempt to sound smart and helpful in just two words...

Plan well.

• I can't tell you how many times newbies underestimate the initial lemon purchase. Buy lots. Buy too many. Pretend they're going out of style. Then buy even more than that.

• Don't start without all of the ingredients and pretend you'll make it to the store on the day you begin. That is a serious cleanse-killer, because the trip to the store may be interrupted by a bacon cheeseburger. Or the detour could become the excuse to just "try again another time."

• If you live alone, get rid of your favorite foods. If that means eating them before you start... you can do that too. hehe

• If you cook for a family, like I do, I find planning a menu very helpful. That way, I only buy the food I need for them and don't spend so much time browsing the options.

• Pre-plan what you'll tell those around you, from family to co-workers. Whether on purpose or not, those folks can be major cleanse-killers by offering food or talking about what a "dangerous thing you're doing." Get in the zone and be ready for them.

• You may want to 'cleanse before the cleanse.' Some folks prepare by cleaning-up their act the week before. In our Yahoo! Group, the general consensus is that coffee drinkers have a hard time with detox headaches. If you drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, sippy-sippy on the alcohol or eat a lot of refined carbohydrates, you many want to wean off these things in the days leading to the cleanse.

• And I can't end without recommending our awesome support group at the Yahoo! Mastercleanse group. Don't underestimate the value of talking to other folks going through the same drama as you!

Bonus advice. Measure your lemon juice every single time you mix. Some have 'rule-of-thumb' estimates about the amount of juice a single lemon holds. I measure every single drink, because juice yield can vary. Stanley Burroughs is very clear that the juice measurement is not negotiable for each glass. This isn't Walmart. Cut corners and you'll get what you pay for... And I'm not talking about cheap gadgets painted with toxic materials and flesh-eating rubber sandals.

As always, you can search through my blog posts to find a few more gems... like the priceless value of Bordeaux Butt Paste and the benefits of local bathroom maps. hehe

Happy Cleansing!

My Next Cleanse is Looming Like a Storm Cloud

My last cleanse was January 2007. I went 13 days, and I felt like Rocky running up all those dang steps. Only I had lemonade in my water bottle.

As August 2008 nears an end, I sit nervously planning a September 1 cleanse.

What!? You didn't know that old cleanse veterans still get nervous?

Anyway, every cleanse is so different that the 5th can feel like the 1st.

Who knows if the 3rd day will be tough or if symptoms will wait until the 8th day? Who knows if the SWF will work in 1 hour or 3 hours? And who knows if mental strength will carry for the whole 10+ days?

The first-timer and the veteran have these things in common - the unknown.

Thankfully, the experience under my belt tells me something very important: No matter how hard things get, the benefits will ALWAYS outweigh the mental war. So while I may secretly tremble in my boots, I approach my cleanse with a smile.

When are you starting?

Can't Start Now - The Typical Cleanse Killer

Some folks cleanse like crack addicts... scratching and twitching for the next cleanse "hit." Many times at the Yahoo group, the moderator team had to express concerns to men and women who fantasized about the cleanse "high" -- and wanted to know if "a week in between cleanses is enough."

Because of that, I made sure to keep my cleansing in check... leaving at least three months in between and not trying to cleanse until I shrank and simply disappeared.

But right now, I'm feeling a little like the cleanse-addict. I haven't been on one in quite a while, and I'm starting to feel like I NEED it.

I'm sure that position is justified. I have been an absolute louse towards my body and my general health. Everybody and everything (take a number) has priority status. Boyfriend, children, new puppy, work schedule, and heck, even my favorite TV shows - complete with soft pillow, evening beverage and possibly a crappy snack. This just won't do.

So my feet are back on the cleanse road, and the dang startup challenges are the same. Does any of this sound familiar?:

1. My son turns 15 and his party is this weekend. Can't start now. Hafta have cake.

2. Sweetheart has been wanting a date for a while now. We try for each weekend. Can't start now. Hafta be able to eat out.

3. The good ole' monthly cycle might be starting soon. Can't start now. There's nothing worse than cleansing during that time of the month.

No matter how much of a veteran you are, you always run the risk of sounding like a confused newbie when it's time to cleanse again. :-)

I'm Almost Ready for the Lemon Spree

I finally said it out loud. It's finally going to happen. I'm ready for my next cleanse.

But my eyes aren't on my butt. I'm not pinching the extra "love" on my waist. My eye is on the spiritual benefits of fasting. Sure, I won't complain if I come out looking like Moses, with a new glow around my face. But I'm most ready for the prayer and solitude that comes with fasting.

It's amazing that anybody could feel spiritual with all that running to the bathroom. But I must admit, after all the good - the bad - and the ugly is calculated, a successful cleanse is like a breath of fresh air.

More later...

Day 1: A Test of My Will

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Last night was the most interesting cleanse prep I've ever experienced. It was like a conspiracy to derail my decision to start today.

I had a refrigerated item in my car that needed to get home fairly quickly. I decided to purchase my lemons from a convenience store to save time.

Not a SINGLE location had lemons. My son went in and out of each place, and not a lemon in sight. Yes, we found other produce. But who bought all the dang lemons?

Already sensitive about starting the cleanse, I got angry and frustrated - which is unusual for me. My son saw my reaction and suggested that I postpone the cleanse. I explained that it wasn't an option, and he wanted to know why.

"Because I promised several members of the group that I would start tomorrow, and I don't intend to let them down. [Pause] Even more importantly, I promised myself and I really need to do this."

I was forced to make a huge gas-guzzling loop back to the supermarket.

Once this loop was over, the time was approaching 7pm. I hadn't seen home for almost 12 hours. I grabbed fast food for dinner near my home. With relief, I hit the gas and imagined how it would feel to walk through the door and kick off my shoes. Home was only down the street. Then I realized that I left my pocketbook IN THE SELF-SERVE CHECKOUT LINE IN THE SUPERMARKET.

Half of my life was in that pocketbook. Numbers. Bank account information. Computer files on a USB key. I had a flash of what a criminal mind might be able to achieve with the contents of my bag.

I grabbed my cell phone and called the store. Miracle #1: My cell phone wasn't in the pocketbook. Miracle #2: The pocketbook was exactly where I left it. The woman on the other end of the line was astonished - and I was relieved.

As I made the turn away from home for gas-guzzling loop #2, I was more than angry. I could spit fire. My jaw was clenched shut. If hell's fire went out at that moment, I'm pretty sure Satan would have called for a quick light. What else could go wrong?

By the time I neared the supermarket, my simmer was down. I had a conversation with myself all the way there, reminding myself of the hidden blessings - which can be found in ANY situation.

"Thank God I learned about the cleanse, and have enough money to buy the ingredients. Thank God for tests that try our patience and build character. And thank God my pocketbook is exactly where I left it."

The moment I stepped from the car to retrieve my bag, the entire day changed. As I entered the door, and older woman gasped and exclaimed, "You look beautiful!" I was floored. It was unexpected, and my attention was in a totally different place. I thanked her with a huge smile that literally melted onto my face. She broke the ice. My ice.

As I walked by her, a neighbor was standing there asking about my son and thanking me for inviting her children to his party. As I approached the desk, the woman complimented my bag and wanted to know where I got it. And on the way out of the store, another woman complimented, "Your dress is very pretty."

A string of negative events ran right into a string of unexpected kind words from strangers.

I didn't bother preparing the lemonade mix last night. The night ended late for me. I couldn't help but wonder what the next day would hold.

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Day 0: Starting a Cleanse on the Wrong Side of the Bed

Monday, July 31, 2006

I suspect that by tomorrow afternoon, I will wish I'd stayed in bed. In my zeal to be a good example, today I became the example of what-not-to-do when preparing for a cleanse.

I put in 0% preparation for my cleanse that starts tomorrow. I'm trying to put on my pleated skirt, grab my pom-poms, and get the cheering going... but I'm on empty. Let's look at my checklist of preparations:

• Son's birthday resulted in 3 days of cake, ice cream, and leftover junk food.

• Red wine with dinner last night - usually a good healthy choice but not a great way to start a cleanse.

• Coffee for breakfast this AM - which is known to cause killer cleanse headaches if not stopped long before a cleanse begins.
  

• Pasta with chicken and sausage in the fridge for lunch today - knowing carbs are another factor when cleansing.

With a checklist like this, I need to run away to a cleanse farm somewhere on a secluded island. And by virtue of a massive brain-fart, I'm starting this one in the middle of a work week. Ouch.

Flipping the coin - I LOVE A CHALLENGE. I thrive when things are working against me. I shine when little is expected of me. And I throw a mean punch when threatened by an unusual foe.

My unusual start will probably result in some colorful blog entries over the next few days. That is, if I'll still coherent.

Rock on.
See ya tomorrow for Day 1.

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Cleanse 2, Day 0: Searching the Sofa Cushions for Excuses

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Oh boy. The roaring decision to go on a 21-day fast is turning into a whimper. I’ve been on a preparation roller coaster that Ritalin couldn’t cure.

One day I’m excited about the cleanse. The next day my mind is searching for excuses like a junkie looking for extra change between the sofa cushions.

“The 31^st is right after the holiday. You’ll be loaded with holiday food and that will make the cleanse harder.”

“The last cleanse was barely three months ago. This one is too soon.”

The list went on and on…
I’m happy to report that I stepped off the roller coaster and settled into my decision – with a big smile on my face.

This time around, I’m adding some quick stats to my posts. Somebody from the Master Cleanse group at Yahoo gave me this idea. My scale is on the fritz, so those stats won’t include weight loss in pounds.

See you tomorrow!

Cleanse Day 3, Part I: Control (Like Janet)

October 11, 2005

Who doesn't remember the song "Control" by Janet Jackson? Okay... who over 30 doesn't remember?

That's exactly how I felt today. It's 1:13pm, and I'm shocked at what a difference a day makes. I'm not having food fantasies. I'm already turned off to the thought of returning to some foods (like the Pork Roll and Cheddar Cheese sandwich I have almost every time we bowl).

In fact, I look forward to preparing dinner for the kids tonite (BBQ chicken, with Bone Suckin' Sauce from Whole Foods, organic Asparagus prepared in butter and garlic, and corn bread). You'd think I would dread the thought.

I'm not a lick hungry. Well... until I got a "grumble" for leaving my lemonade at home while running errands. But no crisis. I didn't want to run to Mickey D's to fix the lemonade absence. In fact, all I wanted to do was get home. I feel great!

I purchased 6 limes today. I may go with a lime drink, or a lemon/lime mix. Why not? Variety is the spice of life. Ugh. That's so cliche.

I also purchased 3 books. In addition to spending more time in prayer, reading my Bible, and severely limiting my TV watching, I want to get some other reading in. Here's the titles I purchased:

1. French Women Don't Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure (Mireille Guiliano)

2. The China Study: Startling Implications for Diet, Weight Loss and Long-Term Health (T. Colin Campbell, PhD with Thomas M. Campbell II)

3. Death by Prescription: The Shocking Truth Behind an Overmedicated Nation (Ray D. Strand, M.D.)

As you can see, I'm sticking to a common theme. LOL I hope to have book reviews for these and other titles I've read in recent past (such as Kevin Trudeau's latest book and others).

I refuse to weigh myself during the cleanse, but I can say: Halfway thru Day 3, I had no objections or other challenges of resistance as I went to put on my jeans.

Tips for those on the cleanse:

1. To help keep my skin under control, I'm using a product that I purchased at Whole Foods Market: Gentle Skin Peel: Papaya Enzyme & Fruit Acid Skin Peel (by Earth Science). I don't know if this will actually help, but my skin looks a lot better today than it was last night.

2. Prepare yourself for the cost. I purchased 19 organic lemons (approx. 3.5-day supply) today, and they cost just over $20. The Grade B organic Maple Syrup was approx. $10 for a 4-day supply. That's not huge, when you consider all the lunches and other meals your saving... but I think I anticipated "lemons" as a much smaller expense. LOL

3. Don't skip a "meal." I was feeling tired, but not hungry, almost all morning. Although I wasn't hungry, I finally drank some lemonade around 10:15am. Within 1 minute (no exaggeration), I was ready to tackle the day. I was waiting until I felt hungry to drink the lemonade, but I didn't realize I was tired because I skipped the lemonade for "breakfast."

More later as I end Day 3 tonight and publish Part II.

Cleanse Day 0: Shop Til You Drop

October 8, 2005

If you're planning to cleanse, you need to know how "strange" it feels the day before.

Now I've fasted, with just water, for 36 hours. That's an easy thing, because you can almost taste your next meal. I've even "consecrated" for weeks, where you limit certain foods (like junk and red meat), but continue to live a fairly normal life.

But committing to 10-20 days of no solid food does something to the brain as the day approaches.

My first instinct was a large or "junky" farewell meal. Yet somehow, as the evening approached, my taste buds went on strike. Were they angry at me, or just helping me keep from gorging and making the beginning of the cleanse a nightmare? I don't know, but I thank them anyway.

I rarely see people talk about the shopping spree, required to get all of the ingredients. It's not like a regular trip to the health food store - I guess because your brain is still trying to make logic of days with no familiar food.

The strangest part was selecting the right sized bottles to make the lemonade in. A serving is 10 oz, so I found 20 and 30 oz bottles of some strange drink. The wide mouth was the key... don't wanna need a funnel to pour in the lemonade! I promptly disposed of the nasty drink in the bottles. When was the last time you shopped for a drink to harvest the bottle? Kinda like Buying a $20 CD for your one favorite song.

I almost forgot the Senna laxative tea. That would not have been pretty.

As for my "last meal"... it turned out to be a small bag of organic pretzels and a bowl of cereal.

End the prep. The show is ON.